Currently Listening Vol. 3: The Subliminal Verses By Slipknot Vermillion Pt. 2 see related

I went into seclusion, from most everyone and everything. Why this happens, I dont know, maybe I need time to find myself, I get lost easily...

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, I dont know if anyone really gives a shit what I have to say, and come to think of it, I really dont know if i have anything to say..

I've changed my appearence, and I've reinvented my attitude on life, as normal. Smoking again....fuck.

I'm tired of missing people. I want them here with me...I realize this is selfish, but if they miss me too then why the fuck are two people made to suffer apart from each other?! Ok, so I only miss two people (un hombro y un mujer), but honestly, that is quite enough. Needless suffering that people experence all the time, and it hurts sometimes. No matter how much you try to convince yourself that youre better off without them, you know inside that you need them, like a fix....and the sad thing, is that if either of you are reading this, you know damn well who you are...

I'm tired of feeling useless. I'm tired of meaningless things that we are forced to do. We are only here for such a short ammount of time, why must it be wasted on things that people in charge have created that are supposedly necessary?? You have to work...you have to make a living. Corporate shit that if you stop and think about, isnt necessary. Why can't we all just coexist in our own worlds? Why can't we live on the "strawberry fields" forever? Because of big-wig, money hungry pricks. Because of people whos heads are so far up the bosses ass that they cant see this idea.

You know its bad when the things that meant something become tedious, not worth as much. When that cigarette you wanted soooo badly, becomes that chore you need to get through the next four hours. When that chocolate bar you wanted becomes that extra fat tomorrow. When having sex with that one guy only makes you feel empty afterward and you have no clue why. Yes, these are my deliemas....but what about you?

"...I'd do anything to have her to myself, just to have her for myself. Now I dont know what to do, dont know what to do....when she makes me sad. She is everything to me, the unaquieted dream, the song that no one sings, the unattainable. Shes a myth that I have to believe in, all I need to make it real is one more reason. I dont know what to do, I dont know what to do....when she makes me sad. But I wont let this build up inside of me, I wont let this build up inside of me..." -Vermillion Part 2, Slipknot-

Ok, so I dont even know if anyone reads these anymore...or much less if anyone cares...but thats ok, because Im gonna ramble on anyway. I'm gonna talk and I dont really care if anyone wants to listen, because I'm begining to think that this is a means of my sanity.

Ben and I. That statement alone is enough to envoke so many emotions that it makes me want to throw up. I feel happy, and sad, and remorseful all at once. We are talking again, not only are we talking, but we are spending time together at lunch, and he is driving me around in his car. We laugh. We touch eachother in a joking way now. I shoved a marshmellow in his mouth today to make him stop speaking, and he smiled...he laughed with me. We sat in Jesse's room, just the two of us, and we talked. I ate a bite of his rib from Smiths, and spit it out (my intolerence for meat), and he made sure that I was ok, and not deathly ill. Is it wrong to wish for the past?? Is it bad to hope that this is like the begining of something awesome like before? I like him, I do, but not like that, and Im not sure I ever could again. That doesnt meant that it doesnt fuck with my head from day to day. I look at what we had, then what happened, and what is happening now and I don't even think that Sherlock himself could tell what the fuck is going on. I'm confused....and even more so now because I fancy someone....who sadly already has a girlfriend....A GIRLFRIEND.....and he drops every flirt in the book, but would never leave her for me. Confusion....I have no clue what to do with myself.

"Everyday is exactally the same..."

Currently Watching Domino (Widescreen New Line Platinum Series) see related

I made an entire page of doodles and writings today, I actually am considering putting it up on here...its worth it, because its that cool. Well, today was better than I expected for it was indeed the douche's birthday. I frankly couldnt have given a shit that he was now older, but at any rate, wished him a happy one and ignored him.

My day was boring in all reality. Baca got mad at me for my shirt being "inappropriate", that man needs to go stand outside for two seconds and note that I am more covered than all of those girls. (It was only one of those black sports bra shirts...he didnt like the fact that the straps werent on a shoulder but on my back). I ate pizza for lunch, went to my last class in which I texted "skirt and matching bra" man  the entire time. It was awesome. OH! My sunflower sprouted!! It is actually growning!! I didnt kill it! I can actually bring life into the plant world. It was most wonderful. I have found myself enjoying life a lot more lately, and not letting ANYTHING get to me, and I have found it much better to live that way.

As long as you love yourself, then you can somehow find the time and effort to find love in others, even those you can't stand...

Currently Listening House of 1000 Corpses By Various Artists Rob Zombie- House of 1000 Corpses see related

You're not the one for me.

So, I realized today that Closer by NIN (the song currently playing) is really a rather dirty song. I mean, you think I would realize this sooner, considering how much I've listened to it, but to really listen to it, to really absorb the meaning of the song...it could be taken two and a half very grand scale ways. Either our dear Trent is being a male chauvanist pig and only cares about victimizing a woman's body, nothing else. The second is the same as the first, only the woman is a prostitute. The third is that our lovely Trent is so into this woman, so in love with this woman, that aside from her mind and spirit, he wants her...on him...now, no ifs ands or buts, and only he would have the balls to sing about the other aspects of a relationship in such a frank manor. My God, I just analyzed a really screwed up song....new topic....

I am leaving for California on Thursday morning at the butt crack of dawn. all for the sake of singing Oh joy. I get to see a beach for the first time in my life. I dont really leave New Mexico much...if at all, only for organized occasions such as this, oh my joy is overwhelming...Im happy happy happy. But sadly, I will be away from my computer for a grandous 4 days...I'm not sure that really affects anything but my habits of xanga and the dreded myspace...but at any rate....

~Everyone should know me, its a refreshing experence~

Currently Listening Youth By Collective Soul How Do You Love? see related

I do like I should...

I came home early yesterday because I was hacking up a lung....I guess when I ran my half hour two days ago with a strong cold..well, I only have myself to blame. In turn, Susan made me feel guilty for leaving her uptown...well last time I checked, you were not my chore. By the end of the night, and after countless episodes of Viva La Bam, I found myself speechless, literally. I was loosing my voice at a fast rate. Today, we were to do a trio with her ex boyfriend, Phantom of the Opera "Angel of Music". I called Susan last night about 630 and told her that my chances of singing were slim to none, and I said this with a croak.....She again made me feel guilty and like it was my fault. I didn't get sick on purpose, I didn't go up to a coughing John Doe and say, "Excuse me sir, would you mind spitting on me so that I may contract your cold virus??" GET OVER IT! Such petty shit...she guilts over such petty shit, and I wonder...how can one be petty over sickness?? How can one stand to be selfish when it comes to the health of your closest friend?? I don't know....probably never will, thank goodness.

Benjamin texted me last night, asking if I wanted to do something with him...I didnt get it until this morning, and texted him back with "Are you kidding?". He called me and asked what I meant. I reminded him of his text, and he denied all accounts of ever sending me a text, and said that if he ever sent something like that, he meant to send it to someone else. The last time something like that happened, he was drunk...and I had to keep reminding him that we had broken up and that we didn't get along. I asked him if he was drunk last night, he said no, seemed confused, wished me well, then we said goodbye. He infuriates me, and makes me doubt the male species. You have to enter in a number on your phone in order to even be able to type the message...my number is clearly mine, it is the only Santa Fe number among us and still in his phone under my name no doubt, how could he mistake it for that other girls?? I think he was covering it up out of embarassment...prick.

I think I'll pimp my ride....a decked out Chevy Malibu...with rims and underglow. Sweet.

"I don't know....I don't know..."